How many times do you have a genuine “ah-ha” moment? I believe it’s important to share these sporadic insights. Maybe that is the reason blogs are so abundant. It feels good to put these ideas into writing in the hopes that they will resonate with someone else.
Recently I had one of these rare “ah-ha” moments when I was fantasizing about digging a shallow grave in my backyard where I could place my husband’s body after I bludgeoned him to death with his surfboard. Then I realized that I, more so than anyone else I talk to, have to be deliberate about practicing what I preach. I found myself thinking, “What would I tell one of my clients who was feeling the way I was?”
As a new mom, a full time career woman, not to mention my roles as daughter and friend of the year - oh and let’s not forget – the perfect wife, I found myself resenting my husband for not carrying his weight. This resentment seemed to compound at record breaking speed, and all of a sudden days felt like years that I have been carrying around this antipathy for my husband, whom I now sarcastically call the “Prince.”
The minute my son wakes up, he is like a robot with one word repeatedly popping out of his mouth over and over and over: “Mama, Mama, Mama.” I can’t even brush my teeth, much less get dressed. Meanwhile, the Prince is acting like he’s staying at the Four Seasons, leisurely reading his paper and drinking coffee.
So, rather than lash out at the Prince, I unleashed my frustration on a friend who started “The Six Figure Mom’s Club.” http://sixfiguremomsclub.com After her laughter had subsided, she said, “These are things almost every wife and mother feels at one time or another, but won't say out loud.” She then referred me to her free report “10 reasons you might not feel like other moms” which is also on her homepage.
Smart women just seem to know the best remedy for every problem.
Back to my “ah-ha” moment. How can I expect my husband to know about any of my bitter feelings when the only people I ever tell are other women? So I created a diplomatic and loving memo from me to my husband, because thoughts put into writing become actions. I spelled out the exact ways our household contributions can be made more equal. Please note that I don’t ever actually expect the roles will be 50-50, and when it comes to my son, I am willing and happy to accept 60-40. But 70-30 is the deal breaker.
If you identify with this dilemma, here’s a tip: Make a list. Write out the five, six or ten things that it takes to make your household run effortlessly, and put your name by six of them and his name by four, and start releasing the resentment. It made all the difference for me. No more fantasies about grave digging. Now I’m perfectly content to see my husband take off with his favorite surfboard and blissfully hit the waves - after he gets our son dressed and feeds him breakfast.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
6 comments:
Saundra, My pleasure! Thanks for mentioning my site on your blog. You are so brave to share your feelings with your readers. Now, they are all exhaling a sigh of relief that you, their fearless leader, is saying aloud, all the things they too, are feeling about their nagging children.
We all love our kids, but some days, they love us a little too much and we just need a little oxygen for ourselves. It is my great honor to be your friend and colleague! Bring it on...anytime.
Angie A. Swartz, www.sixfiguremomsclub.com
What a great idea! A constructive way to get control of your life!
I'm pretty certain it is a law that men HAVE to read the paper in the morning, isn't it? My husband certainly behaves as he would be sentenced to life in prison if he doesn't read the paper (in silence I might add) every morning :-) If asked to do something while reading THE PAPER, he looks at you as if he's the little dutch boy with his finger in the dyke and the world will end if he moves.
Thank you Saundra (and Angie) for putting into words the things no one else will say! It's even better than writing them myself!
~ Amy
Saundra,
60/40 is about the best we can hope for and making lists to show what we should be thankful for is a good way to stay positive about our relationships.
Donna
Saundra,
70/30 would be a deal breaker for me as well.
60/40 is much more acceptable. 50/50 is dream world!!!
Elaine
Someone once told me ‘your reality is your prison’. Here Saundra feels trapped with the daily tasks of being a mother in contrast to her husband’s morning routine. These feelings are building up and unchanging only worsening. But making the list, such a simple concept, can really be freeing. You are identifying your reality, and what it will take to change it. While releasing your frustration in plain writing you may realize that your reality isn’t really as bad as it feels, or that Mr. Prince needs a reality check. If the latter applies now you have a list to show him, he is still winning at 40-60!
Post a Comment