Recently I was collaborating with a fabulous female friend of mine. We were discussing passive-aggressive behavior as we both found ourselves dealing with people who displayed this behavior and were in denial of it. She shared her revised definition of passive-aggressiveness: subtle tyranny.
Subtle tyrants never meet a situation head-on with honesty and directness. Their bids for power are executed in the shadows and are often tinged with a layer of helplessness and guilt. They play on our sympathies. Some use illness, for example, or the threat of illness to get what they want. They can’t express anger and often don’t even recognize that they are angry. They feel misunderstood.
This behavior can stem from overbearing parents or other authority figures who didn’t permit displays of anger, which resulted in repressed anger and ultimately in unhealthy passive-aggressive behavior.
Don’t allow the “pleaser” in you to tolerate this for prolonged periods of time because this will drain your energy. If you know people who are passive-aggressive, encourage them to express their opinions openly to you. If you are a parent, be cognizant of your behavior so your child does not develop a passive-aggressive personality because you stifled your child’s expressiveness.
Test your emotional intelligence !
Friday, May 23, 2008
Thursday, May 22, 2008
I Could Have Been a Contender
My office looks pretty much like every office in every shrink movie you’ve ever seen: black leather couch that sits across from a black swivel chair. You sit or lie on the couch, and I swivel back and forth with a perplexed look, trying to decide what would be the best guidance I can provide you. I believe sometimes in life our best jobs choose us. This is what happened to me. I somehow know exactly the right advice to provide at exactly the right moment each and every time – that is until yesterday. A simply beautiful and enchanting 60 – year – old woman sat on my couch and described with longing in her voice, all the things she could have been.
I assumed she had a terminal illness, and her days were numbered. This assumption was incorrect. She was physically well but had mentally checked out. She had resigned herself to giving up her dreams and giving into everybody else. She was squandering her days living in the past, thinking about what might have been.
Normally, I would have been outraged. Excitedly, I would have swiveled my chair around and told her to become a deliberate creator...”it’s never too late”! I would have screamed. I may even have even grabbed her shoulders, slightly shaking her, in an attempt to jolt her back to life.
Instead, I sat quietly, wondering what it must be like to see no light at the end of the tunnel and really only wanting sympathy. She was choosing to be a victim with her eyes wide open. She wanted to wallow in self pity and rationalize why she was purposefully becoming invisible.
What would you say to her now, at this moment, assume you were me and please share your thoughts.
The Happiness Project
I assumed she had a terminal illness, and her days were numbered. This assumption was incorrect. She was physically well but had mentally checked out. She had resigned herself to giving up her dreams and giving into everybody else. She was squandering her days living in the past, thinking about what might have been.
Normally, I would have been outraged. Excitedly, I would have swiveled my chair around and told her to become a deliberate creator...”it’s never too late”! I would have screamed. I may even have even grabbed her shoulders, slightly shaking her, in an attempt to jolt her back to life.
Instead, I sat quietly, wondering what it must be like to see no light at the end of the tunnel and really only wanting sympathy. She was choosing to be a victim with her eyes wide open. She wanted to wallow in self pity and rationalize why she was purposefully becoming invisible.
What would you say to her now, at this moment, assume you were me and please share your thoughts.
The Happiness Project
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Can or Should We Have It All?
How will we women ever implement change if we’re not willing to take a seat at the top? Women repeatedly tell me they will do “whatever it takes” to create more equality in the workplace. Yet they are not willing to pay the appropriate dues required to reach the highest echelons in corporate America. Catalyst, a leading research organization, reported that women occupy only 9.4 percent of the “clout” positions, those higher than vice president and 75 percent of Fortune 500 companies reported no women as top earners.
These are perplexing statistics. But who is really to blame?
Men will tell you that women are opting for motherhood over their careers. Women will tell you that it is men who won’t create a flexible work environment so women can juggle motherhood and careers.
If more women rallied together and supported each other in their climb up the corporate ladder, maybe they wouldn’t be so easy to dismiss. I used to believe it was men who held us back, but I now wonder if we women hold ourselves back. Most women who claim to want it all are simply not willing to pay the price to have it all. It takes an ironclad constitution and an unwavering determination to succeed, coupled with total confidence, knowing there is never any need to apologize for ambition.
Oftentimes when I speak to women about their ambitious desires, they tell me they do want it all as long as they can work part time, take their kids to the park two days a week, work out with their personal trainer, and go to lunch with the ladies on Thursdays. Let’s face it: men who are climbing to the top don’t have those luxuries until they get there.
These are perplexing statistics. But who is really to blame?
Men will tell you that women are opting for motherhood over their careers. Women will tell you that it is men who won’t create a flexible work environment so women can juggle motherhood and careers.
If more women rallied together and supported each other in their climb up the corporate ladder, maybe they wouldn’t be so easy to dismiss. I used to believe it was men who held us back, but I now wonder if we women hold ourselves back. Most women who claim to want it all are simply not willing to pay the price to have it all. It takes an ironclad constitution and an unwavering determination to succeed, coupled with total confidence, knowing there is never any need to apologize for ambition.
Oftentimes when I speak to women about their ambitious desires, they tell me they do want it all as long as they can work part time, take their kids to the park two days a week, work out with their personal trainer, and go to lunch with the ladies on Thursdays. Let’s face it: men who are climbing to the top don’t have those luxuries until they get there.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Guess Who Has the Best Sex??
According to Science Daily, a study conducted by Rutgers University psychologists Laurie Rudman and Julie Phelan found that having a feminist partner was linked to healthier relationships for heterosexual women. Men with feminist partners reported greater sexual satisfaction and more stable relationships.
What are you thinking at this moment? It may reveal your definition for the word feminist. When I read this information to one of my clients, he said, “Oh sure those men are probably so controlled by their dominatrix wives they wouldn’t dare say anything different.” His definition of a feminist is a woman who brow beats a man into submission.
My definition is no more, and no less, than an equal partner.
Let’s face it, women want men in their lives but we want men who are confident enough to be proud of women who can ride beside them, not behind them, and not in front of them.
The best part is that our sex lives will improve too!
For more information go to Science News.
What are you thinking at this moment? It may reveal your definition for the word feminist. When I read this information to one of my clients, he said, “Oh sure those men are probably so controlled by their dominatrix wives they wouldn’t dare say anything different.” His definition of a feminist is a woman who brow beats a man into submission.
My definition is no more, and no less, than an equal partner.
Let’s face it, women want men in their lives but we want men who are confident enough to be proud of women who can ride beside them, not behind them, and not in front of them.
The best part is that our sex lives will improve too!
For more information go to Science News.
Monday, May 19, 2008
WARNING—BRAT ON THE LOOSE
If you think your child’s selfish behavior is simply part of the terrible two’s. Think again. You could be raising a brat! This might be okay now, but I promise you that regret will start to seep in once your child hits puberty.
Sharing is one of the fundamental behaviors each person must learn in order to operate effectively in this world. This learned skill not only gives you a greater sphere of influence, it also teaches tolerance, which translates into personal power. How? Personal power is the ability to get everything you want in life because you can get others to willingly go out of their way for your cause. It’s magnetism, a charisma that is not in-born but learned. It starts with sharing. When we share, we are accepting less so others can have more. The key is to help your child do this with benevolent intent. Sharing with resentment is counter productive. Explain the benefits of sharing with your child:
1. When you share, you make everyone’s day brighter and happier. Use a comparison your child can relate to: “I feel good when I share the cookies I baked with you.”
2. When you share, you show others what a good friend you can be and everyone needs lots of friends.
3. Sharing makes you stronger, smarter and helpful.
We all say we want our kids to have the best life possible, but do we ruin them at the very stage in their lives when we could be molding world leaders? Yes, I am suggesting that learning to share can shape the future and eliminate the cycle of entitlement, replacing it with a cycle of acceptance and tolerance. I suggest you read the article “How to Raise a Polite Child.”
This seems so easy and logical. So why do mothers allow their children to be self- centered, spoiled brats? Because we are tired of settling for less. We’re tired of not getting what we want, so we turn our head and justify our kid’s bad behavior with an excuse: “This is a just a phase” “He is over tired today” or “She is normally always so nice.” Secretly we think, “Give the kid a break” “I don’t like sharing either” “It’s a dog eat dog world” “He will be better once he gets older” or “Let school teach him sharing.” We are tired, and teaching sharing takes work and energy.
What to do? Start small, start now. At dinner tonight break off a piece of your bread to share with your child, then share dessert.
www.modernmom.com
Sharing is one of the fundamental behaviors each person must learn in order to operate effectively in this world. This learned skill not only gives you a greater sphere of influence, it also teaches tolerance, which translates into personal power. How? Personal power is the ability to get everything you want in life because you can get others to willingly go out of their way for your cause. It’s magnetism, a charisma that is not in-born but learned. It starts with sharing. When we share, we are accepting less so others can have more. The key is to help your child do this with benevolent intent. Sharing with resentment is counter productive. Explain the benefits of sharing with your child:
1. When you share, you make everyone’s day brighter and happier. Use a comparison your child can relate to: “I feel good when I share the cookies I baked with you.”
2. When you share, you show others what a good friend you can be and everyone needs lots of friends.
3. Sharing makes you stronger, smarter and helpful.
We all say we want our kids to have the best life possible, but do we ruin them at the very stage in their lives when we could be molding world leaders? Yes, I am suggesting that learning to share can shape the future and eliminate the cycle of entitlement, replacing it with a cycle of acceptance and tolerance. I suggest you read the article “How to Raise a Polite Child.”
This seems so easy and logical. So why do mothers allow their children to be self- centered, spoiled brats? Because we are tired of settling for less. We’re tired of not getting what we want, so we turn our head and justify our kid’s bad behavior with an excuse: “This is a just a phase” “He is over tired today” or “She is normally always so nice.” Secretly we think, “Give the kid a break” “I don’t like sharing either” “It’s a dog eat dog world” “He will be better once he gets older” or “Let school teach him sharing.” We are tired, and teaching sharing takes work and energy.
What to do? Start small, start now. At dinner tonight break off a piece of your bread to share with your child, then share dessert.
www.modernmom.com
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Cavalry
Because we can do it all, does that mean we must? Our mothers did it all, so why shouldn’t we? Today’s woman is smart enough to realize that the “real” pursuit of happiness is her cavalry. A cavalry is a group of women who make up the key players in our coalition, army, or support group. There are three kinds of support that a cavalry provides: emotional supporters, taskmasters, and strategic alliances.
Emotional supporters are a shoulder to cry on. Our validation that we are in fact not crazy, simply superhuman. Emotional support offers unconditional love-- without judgment--and availability any time of the day.
Task masters include nannies, housekeepers, and personal assistants who bless us with their talent so we can do more, be more, and deliver more than the human male.
Strategic alliances are my soapbox for this blog. Too few women engage in strategic support, which means sharing or trading beneficial services that help both parties succeed. We both win-win. I “trade” with a trademark attorney, a photographer, and a bookkeeper. Why exchange money when we can exchange services? I am not suggesting that we forgo financial security for a barter system, but I am suggesting that strategic alliance is the best way to maximize our lives and businesses quickly.
Sometimes women allow their martyr mentality to convince them that others are just too busy to help, when in fact, women love to be recognized for their expertise; we love to be caught doing something right, and it is in our nature to share our “tricks of the trade” with other women.
When women bond, oxytocin is released in their brain. It is the same release
that occurs when we have an orgasm. So calling in the cavalry is like calling in an orgasm. Sure makes you want to embrace a cavalry now, doesn’t it?
Remember that what we giveth, we receiveth, so not only should we create our own cavalry, we must be members of many cavalries in order to be successful.
www.sheknows.com
Emotional supporters are a shoulder to cry on. Our validation that we are in fact not crazy, simply superhuman. Emotional support offers unconditional love-- without judgment--and availability any time of the day.
Task masters include nannies, housekeepers, and personal assistants who bless us with their talent so we can do more, be more, and deliver more than the human male.
Strategic alliances are my soapbox for this blog. Too few women engage in strategic support, which means sharing or trading beneficial services that help both parties succeed. We both win-win. I “trade” with a trademark attorney, a photographer, and a bookkeeper. Why exchange money when we can exchange services? I am not suggesting that we forgo financial security for a barter system, but I am suggesting that strategic alliance is the best way to maximize our lives and businesses quickly.
Sometimes women allow their martyr mentality to convince them that others are just too busy to help, when in fact, women love to be recognized for their expertise; we love to be caught doing something right, and it is in our nature to share our “tricks of the trade” with other women.
When women bond, oxytocin is released in their brain. It is the same release
that occurs when we have an orgasm. So calling in the cavalry is like calling in an orgasm. Sure makes you want to embrace a cavalry now, doesn’t it?
Remember that what we giveth, we receiveth, so not only should we create our own cavalry, we must be members of many cavalries in order to be successful.
www.sheknows.com
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Stay At Home Moms Need a Job Description
For better or worse, for richer or poorer, till death do us part. Until, of course, your youngest child is in kindergarten. Then your husband gets to judge you, make you feel like a failure and ask you to justify your very existence.
If you are a stay at home mom and this scenario didn’t happen to you, consider yourself lucky and a good judge of character for picking a mate who values your contribution. Otherwise, read on.
For stay at home moms, a joint decision is made, usually upon procreation, that the most valuable use of her time, effort and energy is to work in the home. The key word is work. Shockingly there really are no mimosas for breakfast, bon bons at noon and mid-day martinis. What you might find is shopping and diapers and nap time and schedules with bottles and rattles and strollers and blankies and binkies and MAYHEM! Seriously men do you really think this is so much easier than your work life with adults who feed and bathe and walk unassisted without pulling your ears, spitting up on your clothes and crying relentlessly for no apparent reason at all? I suggest you read the “Adventures of SuperMom.”
This is not a complaint but justification for the job that we fondly, and begrudgingly, call a stay at home mom. “I appreciate everything my wife does” is the chorus we hear, but the song ends with, “Once the kids are in school all day what does she do? Why can’t she at least get a part-time job?” Many men will go on to actually admit that they don’t feel their spouse is an equal contributor but they certainly like it when there is food in the refrigerator, shaving cream in the bathroom, folded laundry and the kids are magically shuttled to every imaginable activity all without bothering the iconic breadwinner. Double standard? Definitely!
One solution is a job description. Every stay at home mom should create a list of the things she does that get overlooked. Leave nothing out. This is not the time to be modest. Men are not mind readers, and they will be amazed at all the things you do to make their lives more livable. You may be thinking this is ridiculous. “Why should I have to create a job description to justify raising kids or maintaining a home?” You already do the work so take the credit. This will also help build and maintain your own self respect once you see how much you accomplish in one day.
You’ve chosen a noble profession and love your work. Now send in those job descriptions.
www.modernmom.com
If you are a stay at home mom and this scenario didn’t happen to you, consider yourself lucky and a good judge of character for picking a mate who values your contribution. Otherwise, read on.
For stay at home moms, a joint decision is made, usually upon procreation, that the most valuable use of her time, effort and energy is to work in the home. The key word is work. Shockingly there really are no mimosas for breakfast, bon bons at noon and mid-day martinis. What you might find is shopping and diapers and nap time and schedules with bottles and rattles and strollers and blankies and binkies and MAYHEM! Seriously men do you really think this is so much easier than your work life with adults who feed and bathe and walk unassisted without pulling your ears, spitting up on your clothes and crying relentlessly for no apparent reason at all? I suggest you read the “Adventures of SuperMom.”
This is not a complaint but justification for the job that we fondly, and begrudgingly, call a stay at home mom. “I appreciate everything my wife does” is the chorus we hear, but the song ends with, “Once the kids are in school all day what does she do? Why can’t she at least get a part-time job?” Many men will go on to actually admit that they don’t feel their spouse is an equal contributor but they certainly like it when there is food in the refrigerator, shaving cream in the bathroom, folded laundry and the kids are magically shuttled to every imaginable activity all without bothering the iconic breadwinner. Double standard? Definitely!
One solution is a job description. Every stay at home mom should create a list of the things she does that get overlooked. Leave nothing out. This is not the time to be modest. Men are not mind readers, and they will be amazed at all the things you do to make their lives more livable. You may be thinking this is ridiculous. “Why should I have to create a job description to justify raising kids or maintaining a home?” You already do the work so take the credit. This will also help build and maintain your own self respect once you see how much you accomplish in one day.
You’ve chosen a noble profession and love your work. Now send in those job descriptions.
www.modernmom.com
Friday, May 16, 2008
Hillary for President
In 2008, I will find myself in the wonderful position of participating in two monumental events. The first is the release of my new book, Saddle Up Your Own White Horse: 5 Principles Every Woman Needs to Know. The second is the opportunity to vote for a person who might become the first woman President of the United States. These events fill me with equal delight.
Who has saddled up her own white horse more than Hillary Clinton ? My mother boldly states that any woman who doesn’t vote for Hillary Clinton should have gender reassignment surgery. This opinion has created quite an uproar with all our conservative friends and family members. I find myself smiling like a Cheshire cat because Hillary has given my mother the chance to voice her strong opinions in support of women in leadership roles. I attribute my own healthy confidence to my mother’s passionate belief that women should rule the world.
Hillary’s record and capability speak for themselves, though I must dispel one recurring question about her: “How could you vote for a woman who overlooked infidelity?” My response is simple: Wake up and see that her behavior is a true example of the end justifying the means. Men do this every day. They align themselves with those who will help them achieve their goals. Hillary is behaving no differently. Bill Clinton has established himself as a benevolent leader. Even his enemies find it hard to dislike him. Who better to stand by her side than someone with a positive global presence? I commend her for her calculated patience. She waited for just the right moment to exert her personal and professional power, and she well may be our next President.
Overlooking Bill’s infidelity instantly made Hillary a flawed human like each one of us. She became someone we could empathize with, and her strength to move forward and pursue her goals allows us to admire her. Candidly, I think it served her well in her pursuit of the Presidency.
I am my mother’s daughter, so I encourage you – women and men – to keep in mind the wonderful qualities that set all women apart everyday: broader shoulders (metaphorically), thicker skin, effective multi-tasking, intuitive sense, diplomatic grace, and the ability to deliver tough love.
Who has saddled up her own white horse more than Hillary Clinton ? My mother boldly states that any woman who doesn’t vote for Hillary Clinton should have gender reassignment surgery. This opinion has created quite an uproar with all our conservative friends and family members. I find myself smiling like a Cheshire cat because Hillary has given my mother the chance to voice her strong opinions in support of women in leadership roles. I attribute my own healthy confidence to my mother’s passionate belief that women should rule the world.
Hillary’s record and capability speak for themselves, though I must dispel one recurring question about her: “How could you vote for a woman who overlooked infidelity?” My response is simple: Wake up and see that her behavior is a true example of the end justifying the means. Men do this every day. They align themselves with those who will help them achieve their goals. Hillary is behaving no differently. Bill Clinton has established himself as a benevolent leader. Even his enemies find it hard to dislike him. Who better to stand by her side than someone with a positive global presence? I commend her for her calculated patience. She waited for just the right moment to exert her personal and professional power, and she well may be our next President.
Overlooking Bill’s infidelity instantly made Hillary a flawed human like each one of us. She became someone we could empathize with, and her strength to move forward and pursue her goals allows us to admire her. Candidly, I think it served her well in her pursuit of the Presidency.
I am my mother’s daughter, so I encourage you – women and men – to keep in mind the wonderful qualities that set all women apart everyday: broader shoulders (metaphorically), thicker skin, effective multi-tasking, intuitive sense, diplomatic grace, and the ability to deliver tough love.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
What’s Better Than Chocolate? Cooperation!
A surprising revelation is that women like cooperation even more than they enjoy chocolate! Admittedly, this would be a hard choice for me because I love dark chocolate but cooperative living gives you more time to eat chocolate! A recent Emory University study used an MRI brain scan and found that women's brains light up with pleasure during cooperation. As this article states, “We women love to join groups, give advice, and help each other to succeed-because we're wired for it!”
We all know this but I see it first hand at a program I run “The Cavalry Club.” The program is designed around networking, presentations and a collaborative discussion about a provocative topic. The venue for every woman: entrepreneurs, corporate professionals, domestic goddesses, moms, muses and miracle workers...aren't we we all? I tell women to prepare to be acknowledged, accepted and supported while learning something and about someone new. Most importantly we ask each other for help and cooperation with what we need in our lives. The list ranges from nannies to jobs and from husbands to money. I find the individual women amazing and they really make a deliberate effort to help strangers. By the time the event ends all the strangers have become friends.
Look at this article on www.wife.org.
We all know this but I see it first hand at a program I run “The Cavalry Club.” The program is designed around networking, presentations and a collaborative discussion about a provocative topic. The venue for every woman: entrepreneurs, corporate professionals, domestic goddesses, moms, muses and miracle workers...aren't we we all? I tell women to prepare to be acknowledged, accepted and supported while learning something and about someone new. Most importantly we ask each other for help and cooperation with what we need in our lives. The list ranges from nannies to jobs and from husbands to money. I find the individual women amazing and they really make a deliberate effort to help strangers. By the time the event ends all the strangers have become friends.
Look at this article on www.wife.org.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Women4Women International
So many women I have met have been affected by the story behind this organization. Time magazine devoted an article to Zainab Salbi, the amazing woman who has made it her life’s work to be in service to other woman. She is having a powerful influence on the planet . At age thirty eight, she is the founder of the Washington D.C. based group WomenforWomen.
There are more than thirty five million people displaced by conflict and most of them are women and children. Their stories are so unsettling they are hard to read. Women as old as seventy five and children as young as three are victims of a rape epidemic.
Salbi is determined to change that. Her group organizes "women's circles," forming support networks of women around the world to correspond regularly with women affected by war. According to Time, “More than 246,000 women in 58 countries have signed up as donors, supporters and sponsors, who exchange more than 100,000 letters a year.”
If you live in San Diego and want to help, take part in a wonderful fundraiser next Thursday evening, May 22. To gather more information hit this site, “Taste Of Humanity.”
There are more than thirty five million people displaced by conflict and most of them are women and children. Their stories are so unsettling they are hard to read. Women as old as seventy five and children as young as three are victims of a rape epidemic.
Salbi is determined to change that. Her group organizes "women's circles," forming support networks of women around the world to correspond regularly with women affected by war. According to Time, “More than 246,000 women in 58 countries have signed up as donors, supporters and sponsors, who exchange more than 100,000 letters a year.”
If you live in San Diego and want to help, take part in a wonderful fundraiser next Thursday evening, May 22. To gather more information hit this site, “Taste Of Humanity.”
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Welcome to my Blog
In honor of my new book, "Saddle Up Your Own White Horse: 5 Principles Every Woman Needs To Know", I've launched this new blog.
I hope that we can all have a great virtual dialogue on this blog and I'll be encouraging comments and asking tons of questions as well!
Thanks for stopping by!
Saundra
I hope that we can all have a great virtual dialogue on this blog and I'll be encouraging comments and asking tons of questions as well!
Thanks for stopping by!
Saundra
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