Catch It If You Can-And The Good News is You Can!

It seems that happiness is not merely a function of individual experience or choice, but is also a property of groups of people, in other words a collective phenomenon. It turns out that it is contagious. This is wonderful news with huge implications. It means we can all be carriers. They say misery loves company, but the same may be even more true of happiness. According to a study published by the British Medical Journal, scientists from Harvard University and UC San Diego showed that happiness spreads readily through social networks of family members, friends and neighbors. They found a “statistical relationship not just between your happiness and your friends' happiness, but between your happiness and your friends' friends' friends' happiness."

Knowing someone who is happy makes you 15.3% more likely to be happy yourself, the study found. A happy friend of a friend increases your odds of happiness by 9.8%, and even your neighbor's sister's friend can give you a 5.6% boost. There you have it: Three degrees of separation.

"Your emotional state depends not just on actions and choices that you make, but also on actions and choices of other people, many of which you don't even know," said Dr. Nicholas A. Christakis, a physician and medical sociologist at Harvard who co-wrote the study. Go here to read more about this study, and then make a resolution for the New Year to be a “happiness carrier.”
http://www.webmd.com/balance/news/20081204/happiness-is-contagious

I CAN!

I Cancel All Negativity!

Make this your new mantra, and there will be nothing but smooth sailing ahead.

Of course many of you might say, “That is easier said than done!” And that statement itself would be continuing with a negative pattern of thinking. It implies that it is not easy to stay positive in every aspect of living.

The truth is that it is easy once you decide to make a conscious effort toward reprogramming your brain. One way to do that is to get in the habit of asking yourself every time you utter a sentence or have a thought if it was a positive or negative statement or thought. If your thought was negative then say, “cancel, cancel” to yourself either silently or out loud as a tangible way to modify your behavior. Yes, I am serious. While you are standing in line at Starbucks judging the person in front of you for no apparent reason, stop, take self responsibility and say, “cancel, cancel.” It requires some slowing down of the mental processes and some honest and deliberate evaluation, and that is all there is to it. Voila!

Granted, it doesn’t happen overnight, but with persistent effort and dedication to refocusing and changing your thoughts, you can cultivate a new way of looking at and reacting to life, and there will be improvement in every aspect of your existence. You will have more vitality, more laughter, more fun, more prosperity, and more joy.

Just remember your new mantra: I CAN! (I CANCEL ALL NEGATIVITY.)

And if you need a little nudge to get you started on your new path to positivity, check out this site for some inspiring and uplifting quotes: http://www.quotegarden.com/attitude.html

Good Advice

While the euphoria and jubilance that soared onto the world’s stage the evening of November 4th is still in the air, I would urge everyone to go to this site: http//www.theroot.com/id/48726

There you will read a moving letter to Barack Obama from Alice B. Walker, the Pulitzer Prize winning author of “The Color Purple.” Ms. Walker also coined the word "womanist" for African American feminism: “‘Womanist’ is to ‘Feminist’ as purple is to lavender.” Here’s a wonderful line from The Color Purple: “I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don't notice it”..

While Ms. Walker’s letter to the President Elect gets right to the heart of the profundity of this historical moment in time when a black person has been elected to the highest office in the land, it also contains good counsel for us all, and that is to cultivate happiness in our own lives. She reminds him to please remember to relax happily in his new role, so that we can relax too. She tells him that success is really an inside job that is within the reach of us all and it isn’t achieved in the acquisition of objects and fame. It is being at home and comfortable in one’s own skin. She tells him that he did not create the mess the world is in, and that in this most difficult role that fate has delegated to him, to please seek balance and take time to enjoy his family. The whole world is watching, and if he can stay centered and at peace he will serve as a role model for us all, and that in itself is a great service to humanity.

Her reminder is a cue to us all that preservation of the soul is our salvation and our sanity, and that our smiles are a reflection of our souls’ condition.

She closes her letter with a phrase that just lingers with me,
“We are the ones we have been waiting for.”

Thank You

If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is "thank you," it will be enough. -- Meister Eckhardt

This is the month for gathering our friends and family to feast and express thanksgiving, so I thought it would be appropriate to give a little nudge to remind ourselves to say “thank you” as a matter of course throughout our days. It is such an easy gesture and it almost always uplifts its recipient so the question is, “Do we do say thank you enough?” Is it in your own natural way of being? Are you grateful?

William Arthur Ward expressed it eloquently: “Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.”

And though it may take a few minutes of our time, why not write a little note of thanks to someone who least expects it? Just imagine how much pleasure can be given with that simple act?

A little advice: If you thank someone and they brush it off as no big deal please take the next step to say, “Well ,it made a difference to me so thank you again.”

Here’s a lovely lecture to get you motivated. http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/laura_trice_suggests_we_all_say_thank_you.html

Free AND Easy

What could possibly be free and easy in today’s economically stressful times? Not only is it free and easy, it will make you happier and healthier. Can you guess what the answer is?

Smiling! Not only does a smile make you more appealing and approachable, studies have shown it can lower your blood pressure and improve your immune system. And the irony is that even if we don’t feel happy, and a smile is the last thing we feel like doing, the quickest way to reverse those unhappy feelings is to smile. Just like the song says: “Smile, though your heart is breaking…….”

Still not in the mood to smile? Here is a joke that just might give you a kick start and get you grinning. And after that happens, go to the end of the blog and check out the test to see if you can tell a genuine smile from a fake smile.

While attending a “Marriage Encounter Weekend” Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare,

“It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men in the audience and challenged them with the following question, “Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?”

Walter leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, “Pillsbury, All-Purpose, isn’t it?”

Thus so began Walter’s life of celibacy.

Are you smiling yet? Good. Now check out the test to see if you can spot the fake smile: http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/mind/surveys/smiles/

VIVA LA DIFFERENCES

A person's greatest need is to be significant, accepted unconditionally, to really matter to someone else. It is so easy, especially now, to get caught up in the blame game. It's SO much easier to blame someone else for our lot in life but our self integrity rises when we put the blame back to where it really belongs, on ourselves. If it is change you want, start within.

Instead of complaining about the differences between men and women, let’s celebrate them. Yes, we’ve all heard that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, but we also know that we complement each other in so many ways. And let’s face it, we want to be mated. It’s built into our hard wiring. That is God's little joke in my opinion.

So why not appreciate each other’s differences instead of trying to make them into our clones? And how do we do that you might ask? We need to change our expectations of how our mates SHOULD look, SHOULD act, SHOULD think, SHOULD dress, SHOULD etc., etc. We can “SHOULD” our partners to an early grave, but will it make us any happier? Of course not. Quite the opposite.

If we just allow our mates to be who they are, and look for and find the reasons to celebrate their differences, we’ll all benefit in the long run. It’s not that complicated. There is no greater gift than allowing people to be their authentic selves.

Of course we can still grumble a little silently to ourselves on occasion. After all, we wouldn’t want to take away all the fun.

For Diane Ford’s humorous views on the differences between men and women check out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSwT744azR4

Right on-Dr. Phil!

I have to confess that I’m not a Dr. Phil devotee. In fact, I’ve never watched his show, but today a friend who had been complaining for some time about her husband and who had even gone so far as to suggest that she had made the worst mistake of her life by entering into a marriage contract with him, suddenly and unexpectedly changed her tune. She walked into my office grinning like the proverbial Cheshire cat, and when I asked her what could possibly have provoked that look of bliss, her answer was simply: “Dr. Phil. He’s amazing!.”

Now this is a very active and involved woman, so I was quite surprised to hear those words coming out of her mouth. As far as I know, she rarely watches television, so it never occurred to me that she would have called on Dr. Phil to solve her marital woes, but this is precisely what she did. And she informed me that it would behoove me to be charitable about this wise man and check him out myself. She even suggested that I might get a few pointers for my clients.

So, being an open minded (but I must confess, skeptical, woman) I looked at his web site, and was delighted to find some real wisdom about making a marriage work. He has a list of relationship rules that are pointed and actually quite profound. For anyone struggling with female/male issues (and who doesn’t?), this link will provide some bullet points worth memorizing and following. Check them out for yourself. These are keepers.
http://drphil.com/articles/article/53

And thanks, Dr. Phil, for putting that smile back on my friend’s face.

65 Years Ago

The following is a portion of an article entitled, “Eleven Tips For Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees” written by L. H. Sanders for the 1943 edition of Mass Transportation Magazine. Thankfully, these outrageous regulations cannot be mandated in today’s workplace, but if you read between the lines, I think you may agree that many of them are still tacitly in place. For some provocative comments on these antiquated and chauvinist “rules”, check out http://www.feministing.com/archives/008544.html

1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they’re less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn’t be doing it, they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.

2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It’s always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.

3. General experience indicates that “husky” girls – those who are just a little on the heavy side – are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.

4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination – one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.

5. Stress at the outset the importance of time the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.

6 Give the female employees a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they’ll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.

7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.

8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.

9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can’t shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman – it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.

10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl’s husband or father may swear vociferously, she’ll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.

11. Get enough size variety in operator’s uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can’t be stressed too much in keeping women happy.

His Cheatin' Heart...Gene

Science is surprising us daily with new discoveries. And this latest discovery may help women make better choices in romantic male partners should they require their mate’s be monogamous. Yes, I actually know women who don’t have this requirement.

It seems that men are more likely to be devoted and loyal husbands when they lack a particular variant of a gene that influences brain activity. In other words, there is a direct link between a man’s genes and his aptitude for monogamy.

The gene variant (allele 334) regulates the activity of a hormone in the brain known as vasopressin (present in two of every five men). The study revealed that one species of voles (also known as meadow mice) has receptors for a male version of the hormone, vasopressin, and one doesn't. As you may have suspected, one species is monogamous, the other isn’t. The prairie vole is monogamous, while his close relative, the meadow mole is polygamous. .
So, ladies, if one day there is a blood test to determine whether or not a man will be more likely than not to be faithful, you will have the humble little prairie vole to thank. Until then, it might be wise to do as one woman suggested – and that is to keep a separate checking account.

Check out the link here for more on this study. http://www.ajc.com/business/content/health/stories/2008/09/01/monogamy_study_marriage.html

Happiness

I love a great debate but most importantly I love effective communicators. Those speakers who know just when to tug on our heart strings and just when to use grit and common sense vs. sophisticated vocabulary. There can be a clear difference between effective and eloquent communicators and the two can be mutually exclusive. I bring this up because of the enraged emotions Sarah Palin’s nomination has sparked with so many women. This heated up as a result of her effective acceptance speech. I have somehow become the sounding board of these angry, aggressive women who to this historical moment in time seemed to be quite docile and passive. I am actually grateful something jolted them back into life but BALANCE must be suggested or they may self induce heart failure. Don’t get me wrong; it’s great to be passionate about something but diplomatic grace will sway more people to your way of thinking and passion can be expressed without anger and negativity.

So today I divert my blog discussion to happiness. Good old fashioned happiness. If you Google “happiness,” you will get 87,000,000 results. That’s 87 MILLION!

In this lecture, Harvard psychologist Dan Gilbert says our beliefs about what will make us happy are often wrong http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/view/id/97

He says our "psychological immune system" lets us feel real, enduring happiness even when things don't go as planned. He goes on to explain that we are able to “synthesize” happiness. He defines “natural happiness” as being what we get when we get what we want, and “synthetic happiness” is what we make when we don’t get what we want.

All of us, he says, have this capacity for synthesizing happiness, but some of us do it better than others. He urges us to cultivate that ability. That doesn’t mean that we shouldn't have preferences in life. But we should keep our preferences bounded. When our ambition is bounded it leads us to work joyfully.

Tis nothing good or bad, but thinking makes it so.
- Shakespeare

Mommy Wars-Campaign Edition

Here we go again. Women are attacking each other in the one area of our lives where we have so much in common: motherhood. The Mommy Wars have heated up. Sarah Palin’s entrance into the political arena has revived this skirmish in a big way.

Just when many women were coming to terms with the idea that it is acceptable to work and raise children, Sarah’s abrupt and outspoken entrance on the political scene has again provoked controversy.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/02/us/politics/02mother.html?_r=1&em&oref=slogin

But we’re still faced with the same old question: Can we have it all? It seems the media is trying to convince us it isn’t possible: that being a good mother and having a robust career are two statements not to be uttered in the same breath. I am frankly bored with this same old rhetoric. Though I could have found more eloquent words to sum it up, women consistently having to defend themselves as working mothers is just plain boring. Can’t we find something else to talk about other than judging our ability to multitask effectively? Let’s face it, everyone knows we are simply better at that than men. So I looked for, and found, a recent study with statistics polling people on which sex makes the better leader, and women come out on top. http://pewresearch.org/pubs/932/men-or-women-whos-the-better-leader

One thing is apparent. This battle of balance is not going to go away anytime soon, and the addition of Sarah Palin on the political scene, is stirring it up to a boiling point. This campaign has brought women’s issues to the forefront again – and that’s a good thing.

W-O-M-A-N

Sarah Palin is all over the news. Let’s face it, she has revived some hot topics about what it means to be a woman, like: Can she handle the No. 2 position in the country and still do justice as a mother to her five children? And if John McCain wins the election and something should happen resulting in his untimely demise, could Sarah handle the difficult position of being President of the United States and still be a loving and attentive mother to her children?

Of course, we never ever hear this same question being asked of a male candidate and my answer is, "we can do anything you can do..."

This controversy reminded of two wonderful songs from several decades ago about women’s strengths. One by Peggy Lee (“I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan…cuz I’m a woman”) and another by Helen Reddy (“I am woman – hear me roar, in numbers too big to ignore…”).

Here are two superb videos that capture those great empowering lyrics. Turn up the volume and rock out. The first one is a poignant tribute to women who have suffered abuse. It’s powerful. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8D5KMUIqV-4&feature=related

The other is an iconic recording of Johnny Cash and Peggy Lee from 1971 singing Peggy Lee’s great song about bringing home the bacon
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rfz-aSyPIBo

So remember ladies, we are strong and powerful women, and we are invincible. And for those men who may be reading this blog, don’t pout. You can be strong and smart too especially if you have a great woman supporting you.

The 60-40 Solution

How many times do you have a genuine “ah-ha” moment? I believe it’s important to share these sporadic insights. Maybe that is the reason blogs are so abundant. It feels good to put these ideas into writing in the hopes that they will resonate with someone else.

Recently I had one of these rare “ah-ha” moments when I was fantasizing about digging a shallow grave in my backyard where I could place my husband’s body after I bludgeoned him to death with his surfboard. Then I realized that I, more so than anyone else I talk to, have to be deliberate about practicing what I preach. I found myself thinking, “What would I tell one of my clients who was feeling the way I was?”

As a new mom, a full time career woman, not to mention my roles as daughter and friend of the year - oh and let’s not forget – the perfect wife, I found myself resenting my husband for not carrying his weight. This resentment seemed to compound at record breaking speed, and all of a sudden days felt like years that I have been carrying around this antipathy for my husband, whom I now sarcastically call the “Prince.”

The minute my son wakes up, he is like a robot with one word repeatedly popping out of his mouth over and over and over: “Mama, Mama, Mama.” I can’t even brush my teeth, much less get dressed. Meanwhile, the Prince is acting like he’s staying at the Four Seasons, leisurely reading his paper and drinking coffee.

So, rather than lash out at the Prince, I unleashed my frustration on a friend who started “The Six Figure Mom’s Club.” http://sixfiguremomsclub.com After her laughter had subsided, she said, “These are things almost every wife and mother feels at one time or another, but won't say out loud.” She then referred me to her free report “10 reasons you might not feel like other moms” which is also on her homepage.

Smart women just seem to know the best remedy for every problem.

Back to my “ah-ha” moment. How can I expect my husband to know about any of my bitter feelings when the only people I ever tell are other women? So I created a diplomatic and loving memo from me to my husband, because thoughts put into writing become actions. I spelled out the exact ways our household contributions can be made more equal. Please note that I don’t ever actually expect the roles will be 50-50, and when it comes to my son, I am willing and happy to accept 60-40. But 70-30 is the deal breaker.

If you identify with this dilemma, here’s a tip: Make a list. Write out the five, six or ten things that it takes to make your household run effortlessly, and put your name by six of them and his name by four, and start releasing the resentment. It made all the difference for me. No more fantasies about grave digging. Now I’m perfectly content to see my husband take off with his favorite surfboard and blissfully hit the waves - after he gets our son dressed and feeds him breakfast.

How Do You Spell Class? Hillary

When my father encountered someone he deemed to be ignorant he described them as NCAA “no class at all.” I share this with you tonight because I witnessed the best display of quintessential “class” I have seen in quite sometime and that came from Hillary Rodham Clinton. Regardless of your political affiliation I think you would be hard pressed to deny that someone’s true character sometimes comes in the face of defeat and Hillary was triumphant in her effort to unite the Democratic Party in her speech which endorsed Barack Obama. Keith Olbermann so eloquently put it best, “Grand Slam, she hit it out of the park, across the street, over many buildings.” http://www.msnbc.com/

What Is Class?
Class never runs away. It is sure footed and confident in the knowledge that you can meet life head on and handle whatever comes along.

Class never makes excuses. It takes its lumps and learns from past mistakes. Class is considerate of others. It knows that good manners are the right sacrifices to make. Class has nothing to do with ancestors, money or titles. You have heard money can’t buy class. The most affluent blue blood can be without class while the descendant of a Welsh miner may ooze class from every pore.

Class never tries to build itself up by tearing others down. Class can walk with kings and keep his virtue, and talk with crowds and keep the human touch. Everyone is comfortable with the person who has class because they are comfortable with themselves.

If you have Class, you don’t need much of anything else.
If you don’t, no matter what else you have- it doesn’t make much difference.

Because this is my blog I get to be corny if I want to so I will end with my favorite quote that describes amazing women and say that Hillary makes me proud to be a woman.

If by strength is meant moral power,

then woman is immeasurably man's superior.

Has she not greater intuition? Is she not more self-sacrificing?

Has she not greater powers of endurance?

Has she not greater courage?

Without her man could not be.

If nonviolence is the law of our being, the future is with woman.

- Mahatma Gandhi

The Indecent Extremes of Beauty

I hope the majority of the people around the world have been made aware of the recent bad (I will go so far as to say “immoral”) choice by the Olympic Committee to satisfy a member of China’s Polituro’s request to switch the faces of two little girls during the Opening Ceremony, and are as disappointed as I am.

7-year old Yang Peiyi was chosen to sing “Ode to the Motherland” during the opening ceremonies, but she was deemed not cute enough to perform the song live, so she was tucked away behind the scenes, and 9-year old Lin Miaoke lip-synched her performance.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bq2SukIN10Q

The ceremony’s chief music director, Chen Qigang, even had the audacity to say, “The audience will understand that it’s in the national interest.”

What is this telling the rest of the little girls in the world? Have we become globally superficial? Will this insanity ever stop? And what has this done for the self esteem of a sensitive 7-year old? I wish I could hug her and tell her how beautiful she really is!

Stuart Smalley Was Right!

Some days we all need a little pick me up and that comes in varying forms. Today mine is a little laughter with Stuart Smalley. I’m assuming we all know who Stuart Smalley was – but in the event that you are too young or never got into the Saturday Night Live fever in its heydays, here’s a brief synopsis:

Stuart was the inspiration of Al Franken born of his experiences attending Al Anon Meetings, wherein the 12 steps are a prominent part of that very successful offshoot of Alcoholics Anonymous. Stuart became a popular (tongue in cheek) new age self-help guru espousing positive self affirmations.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvgMIerTXl4&NR=1

As with all good parody, Stuart’s vulnerability was a little over-the-top. It was also brilliant and funny. I love Stuart Smalley. Affirmations are really very effective and powerful when spoken with conviction and authority.

So, everybody, let’s all stand in front of our mirrors and repeat after me (and Stuart):

I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people LIKE me!

The Art Of Listening

I’m all about empowering women, yes, but let’s face it – loving and appreciating men also enters into the equation. Currently my husband, baby and brother hold the top spots on my inventory of loved males, but a local celebrity, Sam the Cooking Guy http://www.thecookingguy.com/ has a place somewhere on that list. He’s smart and funny – two of the three most important characteristics an admirable man must possess to maintain a spot in that sacred place in my heart. The other (and most important) attribute is kindness. Since I don’t know Sam Zien personally, I can’t speak with authority about that. But it is my experience that smart and funny people are almost always kind as well. Those three qualities seem automatically to go hand in hand.

I digress. Well not really. Maybe what I’m talking about really does have to do with kindness. Certainly it isn’t kind to interrupt. And it isn’t polite. And it isn’t admirable. Recently that’s what happened to Sam when he made an appearance on the 4th hour of NBC’s Today Show, hosted by Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ov9k_yABNHU

Let me know what you think. It is a slippery slope for me because I sometimes interrupt when I am comfortable with people and that signifies camaraderie. Do you think Sam was out of line, or should the ladies have curbed their desire to babble, and let him do his thing? There’s not much time in those segments to accomplish that.

NBC must have appreciated his assertiveness in the moment because I understand they have invited him back on August 8th.

Stay-At-Home-Moms Doing Double Duty

I recently wrote that “stay-at-home moms need a job description.” Well, guess what? According to this article in the Wall Street Journal http://online.wsj.com/article_email/SB120951025037054311-lMyQjAxMDI4MDA5NDUwMTQwWj.html prospective employers are discovering multi-talented women in the most unlikely places They are finding these capable ladies on the playgrounds and at PTA meetings. There are staffing firms specializing in finding work for stay-at-home moms. Not just clerical or data entry jobs, but high powered staffing firms seeking highly educated, “executive” type women.

The controversial topic of the Mommy Wars (those battles between women over whether to work or stay at home while raising children) has now morphed into what one woman labels the Mommy SWAT Team (smart women with available time).

Women have been conflicted for years about whether to utilize their intellects and talents by being a vital and vibrant part of the work force or whether to stay at home and nurture their children and give them the security of knowing they will be there for them. It is a tough choice, and most of us find it impossible to be in a comfort zone with both of these ideals. So for some women, this seems to be a viable solution. They can stay home AND work with challenging and stimulating assignments. Of course they are not drawing the kinds of salaries they could expect to earn in the real world. But it’s a start. Another tiny little victory in our constant quest for equality.

Mrs. Hughes

I saw this video and saved it. I actually save the best written or video humorous clips I receive never knowing why or when I will need it, but I always need it, and it always recycles as funny as the first time I saw it. I have a side file that simply says “laughter” and in it I promise that no matter how dark or light your version of humor is, I have what the doctor ordered. It is the only file that I can never seem to clean out because laughing never goes out of style but too often it gets overlooked. This life really isn’t meant to be taken too seriously and those who we admire most, mostly all agree.

“My life has been one great joke. A dance that’s walked, A song that’s spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.” Maya Angelou

I hope you enjoy Mrs. Hughes.

Christian the Lion

In this sometimes contentious world it is so nice to unexpectedly see a video that pulls on your heart strings and makes you just stop and say, “Ain’t Love Grand!”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adYbFQFXG0U

CSV: "Common-Sense Violations"

I had dinner out last night with a very old friend. He is not chronologically old but rather old in wisdom and old in the length of time he has put up with me as one of his best friends. I always direct the conversation because there are times when I choose not to talk at all and would rather people watch. (You would be amazed at the incredible, soap-opera-like lives I create for perfect strangers. It is also important to note that I sometimes introduce myself to these strangers and share my created stories. This usually happens following a very large glass of wine, but my point is that in all cases, their real lives were much more incredible than I had imagined.)

Last night I turned the lead in the conversation over to Sir Strutherford (pseudonym to protect the innocent) and he decided to engage in a game of "Truth." I had convinced him in previous settings that we are much too old now to play the full game of "Truth or Dare" because his dares included singing the full national anthem in quiet restaurants and speaking to every person I saw in a crowded mall for one hour and calling them each "sweet honey muffin." His first question: "Name what you like best about my mind?" My reply: "It works slower than mine so I have the ability to mind control you." Then came his answer: "Your unduplicated way of being real about the day-to-day insanity of life and making common sense seem so profound." That was his answer. Sir Strutherford in all his glory made me smile like a Cheshire cat.

I have actually not stopped thinking about it as you can see by this lengthy blog sharing the gritty details. In fact, I made a commitment to myself to stop being superficially nice and start being as "real" as logic would allow. The gloves have come off, so to speak, and I am just going to say everything in the way I would say it to my friend when no one else can hear.

What are these things? Let's start with a few, and I promise to share at least one CSV--"Common-Sense Violation"--a month. I hope you will share yours as well.

CSV: Women who walk around in air-conditioned malls or outside on rainy, cold days carrying their babies who are wearing nothing but a onesie--no blanket, no jacket. We should all have big red warning tickets so we can just hand these out without having to say anything except to write the violation on the back. Let's face it, they need it spelled out. HELLO, if you are wearing pants and a long-sleeved shirt, maybe it's a good idea to keep your child above freezing temperatures.

CSV: Men who really think they are spending quality time with their kids when they are watching television, handing off random toys while never shifting their eyes away from the television. HELLO, placating your children is the reason they always seem to prefer mommy when you are trying to be Daddy of the Year in social settings.

Common sense is underrated, but not in "50 Success Classics." http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1857883330
This book is a compilation of the 50 most important and inspiring books that have helped readers unleash their potential. See how many times the term "common sense" is used in it.

Send this to my wife, please?

We have all seen, heard and read many insights into the male psyche. I tell women that it is us who are the complex enigmas we pretend men to be. They are, they want to be and they are not insulted by being called simple creatures...as long as that gets them fed, sex and time to watch their shows.

This very simple list found it's way into my e-mail and it just sums up a man's perspective. Just to be sure I asked 10 very different men if they agreed and they all said, "finally a quick guide for women, will you send that to my wife, please?"

Note: They are all numbered one on purpose.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments are null after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have NO idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,’ We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying but it's not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really!
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss baseball or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that?
It's like camping.

Kindness Leads to Happiness

Can mean people become kind? Can a heart be warmed? Is there a soft side to everyone that just simply must be revealed?

Can you fake it till you make it?

Kindness can be learned and as our mothers taught us, practice makes perfect. Try practicing random acts of kindness. Start with people standing in waiting lines with you. Notice something good about someone and just say it. It doesn't have to be dramatic. "That scarf looks great on you." "I really like your haircut." "Very handsome tie. Reply to the checkout person, "Thanks for asking me how I am. How are you?" Let someone behind you with 2 items cut in front of you and insist they accept your offer.

I thought I had more than enough cash for 2 coffees but I was 72 cents short. A lady sitting at a table in Starbucks was watching me and she stood up walked over and gave me a dollar bill. I said, "Oh, I couldn't." She said,"Oh but you can if you let yourself" so I did and I liked it. Two days later, same Starbucks, there I was and the woman ahead of me in line was short $1.20 and as she put her cookie back I returned the favor that was paid to me and I liked it.

I have since then committed to a minimum of 2 kind acts a day and have purposefully thought of ways to say nice things so they will not seem staged. Toasts are a great way to say things that you think eveyone knows but need to hear again. "Tonight I want to say thanks for being such a supportive husband and for understanding when I need to be out 2 nights a week building my business." Gratitude, reinforcement and future acceptance can all be accomplished at the same time. "Thank you for always being a good friend to me": this statement can seem corny when randomly shared, but over an ice tea at lunch with the clink of two glass, it is endearing.

Never be the person who is described as treating strangers better than the ones they are supposed to love the most. Kindness leads to happiness.

Be happy http://thehappyguy.com/define-happiness

Respect Is Earned

If we like it, shouldn't we do it? NO.

This was the recent exchange between myself and an adamant lady at a recent talk I gave where I expressly stated that women lose respect in the workplace when they constantly do the traditional female tasks. Don't be the note taker just because you're the girl. Don't always buy the boss their holiday gift or plan the annual party. These tasks may endear you to your peers but they won't see you as a leader. Regardless of whether or not you like doing them, only do administrative tasks when it is your turn. Respect is earned, ladies and gentlemen, and though this may sound ridiculous to some of you I promise you that doing tasks that are seen as domestic skills change the way women are viewed in the workplace.

Additionally this sentiment holds true in our personal lives. Recently I went to a painful gathering that my husband used as his trump card for the 10 million favors he has done for me lately. I was talking with a group of ladies who joked about not bringing their designated "party contribution" because the host was such a Betty Crocker that she would over compensate anyway. As I watched this super woman, the hostess, operate on what I am convined had to be cool-aid spiked with amphetamines, I wanted to say, "DEMAND MORE. Don't let these vultures take advantage of you."All the parties were her responsibility, her husband bragged that she did a better job than his mother. As I watched her smile seeming to be happy I felt that facade concealed her secret organized mental breakdown.

Change can happen anytime for any reason. People treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated.

Fairy Tales

As young girls, well when I was a young girl anyway, EVERY fairy tale was based on a princess or a peasant girl who waited for her knight to ride up on his white horse and make her happy. She then lived happily ever after. Refreshingly, today's female animated characters seem to have HUTZSPA, panache and enough self confidence to fill an auditorium...HALLELUIAH!

However, there is still the underlying suggestion that a man completes us. I disagree. I wrote "Saddle Up Your Own White Horse" for this very reason. No, not to bash man but to let them off the hook for our happiness. A man should compliment us not complete us. It is our job to complete ourselves, man in tow or not. Please don't misunderstand I will have many blog entries on what men can do better but with equal balance I want to provide tips for women as well. Bashing, complaining and whining takes us backwards and women are best at supporting, promoting and uplifting as long as we start with ourselves first.

My impetus for this blog has been the many questions I have recently received from women and men considering my book for their reading pleasure. They want to know upfront if this is an anti-man book. A resounding NO is the answer. I have a husband, a son, a father, a brother and 2 of my very best friends of which I have very few are men. Don't bite the hand that feeds you as they say. I am very clear about my mission statement, " To ignite, support and empower every woman to put herself first without guilt knowing it is the only way to give quality back to others." If a man is your obstacle than yes, I support moving around him and beyond him. If a man oppresses you, run as fast as you can. Otherwise become the person you most admire, be the partner you wish you could find or just wake up every day and positively impact every person you touch. As women it is our gracious gift to naturally give back to others. I just want that to start with you first.

Where Art Thou Hillary?

Have you ever felt so disheartened about a national topic that you simply just couldn't talk about it? The cover of The Economist , June 7th-13th states "America at its best" and has a photo of Senator Obama and Senator McCain. I respectfully disagree. America at its best would have the first woman nominee.

I try to practice what I preach and so I focus on what I DO want rather than what I don't want so this entry today is not about Obama or McCain, it's about my deep sadness that more people, women perhaps, didn't rally behind Hillary. Is this unfair? I have heard many women indignantly state, "I would never vote for someone just because she is woman." Robin Morgan said,"Me, I’m voting for Hillary not because she’s a woman—but because I am."

I have so many words but no words. I caught myself making an excuse that my voice is only one voice so what more could I have done. I quickly stopped that victim mentality knowing that one voice strengthens with conviction, with connections, with collaboration. Did I personally do enough? No. There is really only one person I can blame. I guess this is my lesson in self responsibility. Control what you can so you can sleep at night. I sat at a table tonight with 7 people as they reviewed blow by blow every bad choice the Clinton campaign made. They even chimed in unison, "The candidate turned out to be surprisingly fabulous but her organization failed her." When every commentator and newsperson in America repeatedly states,"Her concession speech had class and grace. It was the best speech of the campaign." I feel physically ill. They wait until now to notice any attributes? Dramatic? Maybe not.

I will take this energy and create a call to action to the women who already feel confident standing up for what they want in their households and at the office and encourage them to extend that to politics. Am I suggessting that women allowed men to bully them or intimidate them into anti Hillary beliefs? Maybe so.

Confession

I read the book POSTSECRET . It is a compilation of confessions from strangers. They were all placed on self addressed and stamped postcards and mailed to Frank Warren who compiled them in a book. It is the perfect gift for the "difficult to buy for" or the "interesting" people you know. I hope I make that list.

Why am I telling you this? My new book hit bookstores on May 15th: "Saddle Up Your Own White Horse:5 Principles Every Woman Needs to Know." My confession is that I have purposefully avoided writing in an "unedited" manner in my own blog for fear that I will become too comfortable. Addicted to sharing all the millions of things I think at every moment of every day. I have been cautious and balanced and the confession is that I feel caged so I am releasing myself today. I plan to say everything about anything that interests me because sometimes information is best conveyed in an unedited, naked way and only then can it be heard.

It feels good to confess.

Subtle Tyranny

Recently I was collaborating with a fabulous female friend of mine. We were discussing passive-aggressive behavior as we both found ourselves dealing with people who displayed this behavior and were in denial of it. She shared her revised definition of passive-aggressiveness: subtle tyranny.

Subtle tyrants never meet a situation head-on with honesty and directness. Their bids for power are executed in the shadows and are often tinged with a layer of helplessness and guilt. They play on our sympathies. Some use illness, for example, or the threat of illness to get what they want. They can’t express anger and often don’t even recognize that they are angry. They feel misunderstood.

This behavior can stem from overbearing parents or other authority figures who didn’t permit displays of anger, which resulted in repressed anger and ultimately in unhealthy passive-aggressive behavior.

Don’t allow the “pleaser” in you to tolerate this for prolonged periods of time because this will drain your energy. If you know people who are passive-aggressive, encourage them to express their opinions openly to you. If you are a parent, be cognizant of your behavior so your child does not develop a passive-aggressive personality because you stifled your child’s expressiveness.

Test your emotional intelligence !

I Could Have Been a Contender

My office looks pretty much like every office in every shrink movie you’ve ever seen: black leather couch that sits across from a black swivel chair. You sit or lie on the couch, and I swivel back and forth with a perplexed look, trying to decide what would be the best guidance I can provide you. I believe sometimes in life our best jobs choose us. This is what happened to me. I somehow know exactly the right advice to provide at exactly the right moment each and every time – that is until yesterday. A simply beautiful and enchanting 60 – year – old woman sat on my couch and described with longing in her voice, all the things she could have been.
I assumed she had a terminal illness, and her days were numbered. This assumption was incorrect. She was physically well but had mentally checked out. She had resigned herself to giving up her dreams and giving into everybody else. She was squandering her days living in the past, thinking about what might have been.
Normally, I would have been outraged. Excitedly, I would have swiveled my chair around and told her to become a deliberate creator...”it’s never too late”! I would have screamed. I may even have even grabbed her shoulders, slightly shaking her, in an attempt to jolt her back to life.
Instead, I sat quietly, wondering what it must be like to see no light at the end of the tunnel and really only wanting sympathy. She was choosing to be a victim with her eyes wide open. She wanted to wallow in self pity and rationalize why she was purposefully becoming invisible.

What would you say to her now, at this moment, assume you were me and please share your thoughts.

The Happiness Project

Can or Should We Have It All?

How will we women ever implement change if we’re not willing to take a seat at the top? Women repeatedly tell me they will do “whatever it takes” to create more equality in the workplace. Yet they are not willing to pay the appropriate dues required to reach the highest echelons in corporate America. Catalyst, a leading research organization, reported that women occupy only 9.4 percent of the “clout” positions, those higher than vice president and 75 percent of Fortune 500 companies reported no women as top earners.

These are perplexing statistics. But who is really to blame?

Men will tell you that women are opting for motherhood over their careers. Women will tell you that it is men who won’t create a flexible work environment so women can juggle motherhood and careers.

If more women rallied together and supported each other in their climb up the corporate ladder, maybe they wouldn’t be so easy to dismiss. I used to believe it was men who held us back, but I now wonder if we women hold ourselves back. Most women who claim to want it all are simply not willing to pay the price to have it all. It takes an ironclad constitution and an unwavering determination to succeed, coupled with total confidence, knowing there is never any need to apologize for ambition.

Oftentimes when I speak to women about their ambitious desires, they tell me they do want it all as long as they can work part time, take their kids to the park two days a week, work out with their personal trainer, and go to lunch with the ladies on Thursdays. Let’s face it: men who are climbing to the top don’t have those luxuries until they get there.

Guess Who Has the Best Sex??

According to Science Daily, a study conducted by Rutgers University psychologists Laurie Rudman and Julie Phelan found that having a feminist partner was linked to healthier relationships for heterosexual women. Men with feminist partners reported greater sexual satisfaction and more stable relationships.

What are you thinking at this moment? It may reveal your definition for the word feminist. When I read this information to one of my clients, he said, “Oh sure those men are probably so controlled by their dominatrix wives they wouldn’t dare say anything different.” His definition of a feminist is a woman who brow beats a man into submission.

My definition is no more, and no less, than an equal partner.

Let’s face it, women want men in their lives but we want men who are confident enough to be proud of women who can ride beside them, not behind them, and not in front of them.

The best part is that our sex lives will improve too!

For more information go to Science News.

WARNING—BRAT ON THE LOOSE

If you think your child’s selfish behavior is simply part of the terrible two’s. Think again. You could be raising a brat! This might be okay now, but I promise you that regret will start to seep in once your child hits puberty.

Sharing is one of the fundamental behaviors each person must learn in order to operate effectively in this world. This learned skill not only gives you a greater sphere of influence, it also teaches tolerance, which translates into personal power. How? Personal power is the ability to get everything you want in life because you can get others to willingly go out of their way for your cause. It’s magnetism, a charisma that is not in-born but learned. It starts with sharing. When we share, we are accepting less so others can have more. The key is to help your child do this with benevolent intent. Sharing with resentment is counter productive. Explain the benefits of sharing with your child:

1. When you share, you make everyone’s day brighter and happier. Use a comparison your child can relate to: “I feel good when I share the cookies I baked with you.”
2. When you share, you show others what a good friend you can be and everyone needs lots of friends.
3. Sharing makes you stronger, smarter and helpful.

We all say we want our kids to have the best life possible, but do we ruin them at the very stage in their lives when we could be molding world leaders? Yes, I am suggesting that learning to share can shape the future and eliminate the cycle of entitlement, replacing it with a cycle of acceptance and tolerance. I suggest you read the article “How to Raise a Polite Child.”
This seems so easy and logical. So why do mothers allow their children to be self- centered, spoiled brats? Because we are tired of settling for less. We’re tired of not getting what we want, so we turn our head and justify our kid’s bad behavior with an excuse: “This is a just a phase” “He is over tired today” or “She is normally always so nice.” Secretly we think, “Give the kid a break” “I don’t like sharing either” “It’s a dog eat dog world” “He will be better once he gets older” or “Let school teach him sharing.” We are tired, and teaching sharing takes work and energy.

What to do? Start small, start now. At dinner tonight break off a piece of your bread to share with your child, then share dessert.

www.modernmom.com

Cavalry

Because we can do it all, does that mean we must? Our mothers did it all, so why shouldn’t we? Today’s woman is smart enough to realize that the “real” pursuit of happiness is her cavalry. A cavalry is a group of women who make up the key players in our coalition, army, or support group. There are three kinds of support that a cavalry provides: emotional supporters, taskmasters, and strategic alliances.
Emotional supporters are a shoulder to cry on. Our validation that we are in fact not crazy, simply superhuman. Emotional support offers unconditional love-- without judgment--and availability any time of the day.
Task masters include nannies, housekeepers, and personal assistants who bless us with their talent so we can do more, be more, and deliver more than the human male.
Strategic alliances are my soapbox for this blog. Too few women engage in strategic support, which means sharing or trading beneficial services that help both parties succeed. We both win-win. I “trade” with a trademark attorney, a photographer, and a bookkeeper. Why exchange money when we can exchange services? I am not suggesting that we forgo financial security for a barter system, but I am suggesting that strategic alliance is the best way to maximize our lives and businesses quickly.
Sometimes women allow their martyr mentality to convince them that others are just too busy to help, when in fact, women love to be recognized for their expertise; we love to be caught doing something right, and it is in our nature to share our “tricks of the trade” with other women.
When women bond, oxytocin is released in their brain. It is the same release
that occurs when we have an orgasm. So calling in the cavalry is like calling in an orgasm. Sure makes you want to embrace a cavalry now, doesn’t it?
Remember that what we giveth, we receiveth, so not only should we create our own cavalry, we must be members of many cavalries in order to be successful.

www.sheknows.com

Stay At Home Moms Need a Job Description

For better or worse, for richer or poorer, till death do us part. Until, of course, your youngest child is in kindergarten. Then your husband gets to judge you, make you feel like a failure and ask you to justify your very existence.

If you are a stay at home mom and this scenario didn’t happen to you, consider yourself lucky and a good judge of character for picking a mate who values your contribution. Otherwise, read on.

For stay at home moms, a joint decision is made, usually upon procreation, that the most valuable use of her time, effort and energy is to work in the home. The key word is work. Shockingly there really are no mimosas for breakfast, bon bons at noon and mid-day martinis. What you might find is shopping and diapers and nap time and schedules with bottles and rattles and strollers and blankies and binkies and MAYHEM! Seriously men do you really think this is so much easier than your work life with adults who feed and bathe and walk unassisted without pulling your ears, spitting up on your clothes and crying relentlessly for no apparent reason at all? I suggest you read the “Adventures of SuperMom.”

This is not a complaint but justification for the job that we fondly, and begrudgingly, call a stay at home mom. “I appreciate everything my wife does” is the chorus we hear, but the song ends with, “Once the kids are in school all day what does she do? Why can’t she at least get a part-time job?” Many men will go on to actually admit that they don’t feel their spouse is an equal contributor but they certainly like it when there is food in the refrigerator, shaving cream in the bathroom, folded laundry and the kids are magically shuttled to every imaginable activity all without bothering the iconic breadwinner. Double standard? Definitely!

One solution is a job description. Every stay at home mom should create a list of the things she does that get overlooked. Leave nothing out. This is not the time to be modest. Men are not mind readers, and they will be amazed at all the things you do to make their lives more livable. You may be thinking this is ridiculous. “Why should I have to create a job description to justify raising kids or maintaining a home?” You already do the work so take the credit. This will also help build and maintain your own self respect once you see how much you accomplish in one day.

You’ve chosen a noble profession and love your work. Now send in those job descriptions.

www.modernmom.com

Hillary for President

In 2008, I will find myself in the wonderful position of participating in two monumental events. The first is the release of my new book, Saddle Up Your Own White Horse: 5 Principles Every Woman Needs to Know. The second is the opportunity to vote for a person who might become the first woman President of the United States. These events fill me with equal delight.

Who has saddled up her own white horse more than Hillary Clinton ? My mother boldly states that any woman who doesn’t vote for Hillary Clinton should have gender reassignment surgery. This opinion has created quite an uproar with all our conservative friends and family members. I find myself smiling like a Cheshire cat because Hillary has given my mother the chance to voice her strong opinions in support of women in leadership roles. I attribute my own healthy confidence to my mother’s passionate belief that women should rule the world.

Hillary’s record and capability speak for themselves, though I must dispel one recurring question about her: “How could you vote for a woman who overlooked infidelity?” My response is simple: Wake up and see that her behavior is a true example of the end justifying the means. Men do this every day. They align themselves with those who will help them achieve their goals. Hillary is behaving no differently. Bill Clinton has established himself as a benevolent leader. Even his enemies find it hard to dislike him. Who better to stand by her side than someone with a positive global presence? I commend her for her calculated patience. She waited for just the right moment to exert her personal and professional power, and she well may be our next President.

Overlooking Bill’s infidelity instantly made Hillary a flawed human like each one of us. She became someone we could empathize with, and her strength to move forward and pursue her goals allows us to admire her. Candidly, I think it served her well in her pursuit of the Presidency.

I am my mother’s daughter, so I encourage you – women and men – to keep in mind the wonderful qualities that set all women apart everyday: broader shoulders (metaphorically), thicker skin, effective multi-tasking, intuitive sense, diplomatic grace, and the ability to deliver tough love.

What’s Better Than Chocolate? Cooperation!

A surprising revelation is that women like cooperation even more than they enjoy chocolate! Admittedly, this would be a hard choice for me because I love dark chocolate but cooperative living gives you more time to eat chocolate! A recent Emory University study used an MRI brain scan and found that women's brains light up with pleasure during cooperation. As this article states, “We women love to join groups, give advice, and help each other to succeed-because we're wired for it!”

We all know this but I see it first hand at a program I run “The Cavalry Club.” The program is designed around networking, presentations and a collaborative discussion about a provocative topic. The venue for every woman: entrepreneurs, corporate professionals, domestic goddesses, moms, muses and miracle workers...aren't we we all? I tell women to prepare to be acknowledged, accepted and supported while learning something and about someone new. Most importantly we ask each other for help and cooperation with what we need in our lives. The list ranges from nannies to jobs and from husbands to money. I find the individual women amazing and they really make a deliberate effort to help strangers. By the time the event ends all the strangers have become friends.

Look at this article on www.wife.org.

Women4Women International

So many women I have met have been affected by the story behind this organization. Time magazine devoted an article to Zainab Salbi, the amazing woman who has made it her life’s work to be in service to other woman. She is having a powerful influence on the planet . At age thirty eight, she is the founder of the Washington D.C. based group WomenforWomen.


There are more than thirty five million people displaced by conflict and most of them are women and children. Their stories are so unsettling they are hard to read. Women as old as seventy five and children as young as three are victims of a rape epidemic.

Salbi is determined to change that. Her group organizes "women's circles," forming support networks of women around the world to correspond regularly with women affected by war. According to Time, “More than 246,000 women in 58 countries have signed up as donors, supporters and sponsors, who exchange more than 100,000 letters a year.”

If you live in San Diego and want to help, take part in a wonderful fundraiser next Thursday evening, May 22. To gather more information hit this site, “Taste Of Humanity.”

Welcome to my Blog

In honor of my new book, "Saddle Up Your Own White Horse: 5 Principles Every Woman Needs To Know", I've launched this new blog.

I hope that we can all have a great virtual dialogue on this blog and I'll be encouraging comments and asking tons of questions as well!

Thanks for stopping by!

Saundra